there are an incredible amount of attractive women in my classes this semester. why now? i try to sit where i won't have to look at them. it always seems to prove faulty. but, i still try not to look... i imagine things happening outside. thursday in Modern Germany i imagined a dog.

"you can't have it both ways," the dog said to me telepathically. in my head it sounded like he has the voice of eddie murphy. "but i believe you are doing the right thing."

"by doing what?" i focused my will and asked in response. "what right thing am i doing?"

"a bone without marrow is not a bone," eddie murphy the dog responded. "a frog leaps, but does it move? you are thinking too much."

"i'll eat you," i sent him the message with my mind.

i imagine him looking at me with disgust. then a squirrel ran by. he chased it and left my area of attention.

....by that time class was over and i was walking out with the German Language Girls as usual, this time a cute blonde in the group, i said hello and started to make small talk..but it turns out she only speaks German. how fitting. well, it seemed fitting at the time, looking back i cannot figure out why i thought that. now its early on a saturday morning and i am pondering what the dog ment. stupid fucking dog.

well, i had a large section of story here...but i suddenly became very self conscious and DELETED it.

today’s missions:

1. go to class

2. go see Dawn of the Dead

3. eat tacos

4. acquire something to cheer myself up.. retail therapy is not always good, but it works.

5. restore justice and cosmic balance to the universe (time permitting)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. go to class... self explanatory
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2. go see Dawn of the Dead

not the best Zombie flick ever...but rather entertaining
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

3. eat tacos

you know it
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

4. acquire something to cheer myself up.. retail therapy is not always good, but it works.

i tried, but there was no new sneakers to be found.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

5. restore justice and cosmic balance to the universe

when i got home i put my superhero costume on, so i went downstairs to hang out with melissa and cheryl while they watched the front. when i got back i decided to check my e-mail and well, before i knew it it was almost 3:30am. and i am damn sure not going to fight crime when it’s dark outside.





tabula rasa kids... tabula rasa

well, anger-induced decision-making being what it is, i decide I Don’t Give A Fuck. i even say it out loud to reinforce my decision. i just don’t care anymore, and you can’t make me.

today’s missions:

1. go to class

2. go see Dawn of the Dead

3. eat tacos

4. acquire something to cheer myself up.. retail therapy is not always good, but it works.

5. restore justice and cosmic balance to the universe (time permitting)

Sagittarius There is a larger trend operating in your life, dear Sagittarius, and it is asking you to break the rules and enter into a whole new realm - a whole new mindset, or way of living. Today that trend is brought into focus, as emotional outbursts call attention to these changes. You might find that your heart wants to go one way while your brain wants to go another. Take deep breaths and infuse a wave of calm into the situation before you proceed.

well late last night i finally got a chapter idea. i banged a couple paragraphs out lickety-split, trying to ride the wave, but all i got was a few good spurts of creative energy before it went away. this morning as soon as i got out of bed i pulled up the file and began adding to it. i am no english major, nor creative arts or writing or whatever you want to call it, infact i'm not much of a creative writer usually... but i have been writing a story for several years.... and in that time i've come up with a few tricks...

Writer's trick #1. you're more in tune with your subconscious when you first wake up, you know that? very close to the dream state, far closer than you would be around, say, lunchtime. anyway i managed to squeeze out some strings of character dialogue but i still haven't found the crux.

i need the crux, where is the crux. sometimes it's at the bottom of a can of diet coke, or between a pair of headphones, or lying on the sidewalk somewhere between water street and w 8th (the home of greene's..mmm wings). but I couldn't find it today.

Writer's trick #2. distract yourself with other projects. tried that in the afternoon (ok, i called it class, but in the end the chick was german and didn't even speak english *profread before publishing...and i know i missed something here) and came back to the story afterwards. a few more lines of dialogue spilled out of me but it wasn't enough and the crux was still nowhere to be found.

Writer's trick #3. engage in arduous physical activity to stimulate endorphins. sometimes when i need that i try something...i used to swim alot then write. i'd get maybe three really high quality sentences out of that.

Writer's trick #4. go for a long walk when it's dark outside. this usually does it for me.

so i went for my long walk, almost two hours but it didn't work. in terms of connecting with my subconscious i wasn't getting any reception. i think it might be 'cause i'm not feeling so hot about a lot of other things right now so worry is taking up too much of my RAM. i need more RAM. what do I have to feel bad about? well, i can't relate to most people and i'm filled with hatred and cookies and boo hoo hoo. boo hoo hoo hoo hoo. not a good month for my psyche. i am so sick of feeling down when i know i have absolutely no reason to be down. i think my soul actually left my body sometime last week. my soul is on vacation in greece.

i have never shown anyone my story, this project i've been working on for years. i just realized that when i mentioned it before this was its first mention out in the open ever.

how contrived of me. *sigh*

i just got a postcard from my soul. there's a picture of the greek island of mykonos on one side and on the other it says "wish you were here, am having a great time" and "i may be staying here a little longer than i thought."

okay so i made the whole thing up. i'm a hack.

Writer's trick #5. stay up late because when you get tired all sorts of weird doorways to your subconscious start opening up and sometimes it unlocks the writing.

so, I'm waiting.

and waiting.

oh, this is hopeless. i'm going to bed.

i'm so lonely. so very, very lonely.

but tomorrow's another day! do what you want when i'm not around. i decided to cut ties will all the stupid crushes i have tonight... except the one or two that matter to me. i prefer the arbitrary, "oh how nice she is cute" types of crushes... so much easier to deal with. you look at her, then move on. but the ones that come because you get to know someone, those are trouble. i don't even want to know women's names anymore. so much easier. but, as always i roll on...why you ask? because....

I

know

the

secret

of

life.


i mean i can't remember it word-for-word, but i've got it written down on a napkin somewhere. but what really has my attention lately is that everything's changing. my family is once again on the verging of shifting, breaking up and moving. i have been reaching out to more people lately to build up relationships and keep myself sane, but it won't be the same. i am nervous about change. i need a constant feature. very soon everyone will head out our own way and then i'll be living in a big, empty space.

when i moved into this city and school it was a big, empty space too, but i met a girl and made some friends. we shared alot of common interests that i thought would carry us through and we were crazy about each other. things change. friends change but are always there. the problem for me is that as i changed, so did she, but we changed apart, or atleast i changed apart.

she and i barely talk now, she is leaving town in may, and i really see no need to ask her where she is going. the fact of the matter is that she and i will probabaly never see eachother again even in a plutonic fashion. i think the last time we spoke was weeks ago. did you ever hear that dinah washington song "What Can I Say After I Say I'm Sorry"? apparently the answer is "nothing."

i sometimes wonder what it will be like if i ever fall in love again. what will she be like, how long will it last, can it last? my rich fantasies are interrupted by the anticlimactic reality of my life... i just don't know so much.

there's a metaphor in here somewhere, but i'm afraid to suss it out. thinking too much can get you in trouble.

-----
i wonder if there are any 1963 Cadillac convertibles in Hong Kong.

probably not.

the network said "we need to hire a busty blonde, all in favor say aye."

"garth snow, i don't know why he is a hockey goalie..he is better at catching balls, with his chin." - djere

i am thinking bout letting it go...yeah, i am addicted to hockey, so i am considering growing a playoff beard with the Flyers.

and if you had any clue what i was thinking about you right now, you'd never want to talk to me again.

i am worried about kara from down the way, somehting happened in her family..i'm not going to say what out of her own privacy...but i am worried bout her. i don't know her that well, nothing really besides her name, and that supposedly she thinks i'm cute. no one else thinks i'm cute, so thats nice.... but i am really worried bout her.

i am an unabashed flirt, always have been, always will be.

this is where Dave is currently. its so desolate.

if you want his mailing address in Iraq, lemme know.

a taxicab cluster fuck

I hate going into restaurants where the dishes have ridiculous names and you have to order them as such, i.e. "I’ll have Bob's Big Bitchin' Bacon Bomb Cheeseburger."

I go to school (intermittently, on the whim of others) at a mid-sized SUNY School, ugg, its not a bad school...but i do relish the idea of one day having a Ph.D. from somewhere else.

the weather is improving here in oswego, which is nice because years ago the weather was controlled by a boring, rational old man. it got cold in the winter and hot in the summer. if he was feeling generous it would snow on christmas. at some point he handed the weather reins over to his daughter--an emotional, hysterical young woman prone to violent mood swings. she gets pissed off and suddenly it’s freezing in september and snowing in april. a forgotten callback turns into the longest cold snap you can remember, and you can be damn sure the summer’s got all kinds of nasty surprises lined up. whoever it was that forgot to call her back, call her back, for fuck’s sake. all of us are tired of paying for your crimes.

so, i went out for a little bit with samantha this evening, she is great fun i must admit. we will probably hang out again soon. which is nice.

rest of the day was rather tedious, minus dinner with bry, lynds, drew and alex. it combined two of my friendship units... interesting balancing act that i keep with all my different groups of friends, many of them have never met eachother. fascinating to think about.

on several occasions i was reminded of my resident LI girl with her geographic superiority complex...yes, the one and only stefanie. i heard a LI joke, which is currently residing in her profile.... then in Freedom in American Society we discussed alot of women's politics, focusing on what part women's traditional and biological gender roles play on women's modern politics views.... as well as historic connection to the essentialist and universalist schools of women's suffrage thought prior to women gaining the right to vote. she would have loved shooting down some of the fucking imbeciles in that class.... so i did my best to make her proud.

there are some really wierd pictures on the web when you go hunting....




buildings don’t understand mirrors. when buildings see their reflection, they often think they are looking at other buildings. sometimes if you shake the block they’ll fight.

buildings are so stupid.







but not this one.




-------------------



and these buildings are mocking me. i will not be mocked.

although the upgraded zombies are fast, luckily they’re not smart. they can’t do things like drive a car or make phone calls or fill out complicated tax documents (i can't either, thanks mom) or pick locks. in fact i don’t even think they can talk. good thing, too. if zombies could make phone calls you’d just be fucked.


anyways.... the best is when you and a stranger are waiting for an elevator, but then two elevators come and you each get your own. this happened to me today over in Hart and it was the highlight in an otherwise torturous day of scholastic drudgery. when waiting for an elevator with a group of strangers, i always go in last. i linger to see if an empty one is coming. i know it’s not very often but sometimes elevators get stuck between floors, for hours, and i’d much rather be trapped by myself than with a group of strangers. i bet when elevators first came out, it was considered rude to purposely avoid taking an elevator with a stranger. or maybe it’s rude now, i don’t know. i wonder if it’s rude in england, assuming england is one of those places where manners still count for something. i want to go to london. in london i would happily ride an elevator with complete strangers. but who am i fooling, i don’t have the cash to go anyplace. for years i’ve been dying to get to japan but i haven’t been out of the country in... forever, not counting canada. i just can’t afford it.

if i was an eccentric millionaire, i would go out and buy a tripod-mounted heavy machine gun after seeing 28 days later, and it would probabaly happen to be handy if by some chance i ended up in a midwestern town full of zombies besides england. also i would look into some type of kevlar jumpsuit with headgear that protects you from bites. i think they have similar diving suits that are supposedly sharkproof. to understand why you need to be protected from bites, please read the following fact sheet.


Zombies: Who are they, and what do they want?

Fact: Zombies want to bite you.
Fact: A zombie bite will always become infected.
Fact: Once infected, you eventually die and become a zombie.
Fact: Unlike old-school zombies, modern-day zombies can run fucking fast. [ex. 28 Days Later, and i am told the new Dawn of the Dead movie.]


i was impressed with how fast some of the zombies in 28 Days Later. they had a couple that were like the carl lewis of zombies. when viewing older zombie movies i was always like “ah, even i could outrun those guys” but watching this one i was like man, if you wanna outrun these motherfuckers you’d better have those nikes laced up tight. and you better eat a powerbar or something. because these bitches can run. i did take solace in the idea that it was maybe just brit zombies that could run like the wind... but this new movies zombies are showing a disturbing precedent. yes kids, zombies are now really fast.

the most ridiculous thing i said all day just happened.... "bryan, get your girlfriend drunk and i'll bite her dick off." this is part of our ongoing "what would you do if your girlfriend suddenly grew a penis?" debate.

i am looking forward to the new "Dawn of the Dead" movie..... looks ok but the zombies are fast. that was my main gripe with 28 days later... more about fast zombies tomorrow.... anyways the tagline of the new movie is “when there’s no more room in Hell, the dead will walk the earth.” so never mind rebuilding iraq, I think if the US government wants to avoid some serious problems they’d better start rebuilding Hell. I’m talking multi-story high-density housing with room for growth. there should have a new branch of Urban Planning called Hell Planning. A bunch of architects holding focus groups with sinners.

i think jesus himself would have enjoyed driving a 97 prelude SH as he tested the limits of its 195hp DOHC VTEC 2.2L H22 put to the ground thru ATTS and 215/40ZR-17 yokohama paradas.

you hope and you dream, but you never believe that something's going to happen for you, not like it does in the movies. and when it does, you sort of expect it to feel different.

i now own cologne and a shirt from ralph lauren...how gay have i become?

"I like how there is a insanely long story to the Cup, But It being treated as a person, seems to be a bit crazy. its as if it has someones soul in it. it was invited to run in a charity walk, does it have legs? i'm sure it'll be asked to throw out the first pitch at a baseball game. I'm sure at least 3% of the winners of the Cup have shat or pissed in it. since they are just insane. 1.4% of players to win it, problably had whores involved with the Cup. .29% of players to win it, Drank the blood of a midget out of it. I hear when the Cup goes to Mcdonalds it gets 2 big macs, and an 8 piece mcnugget with sweet and sour sauce of course and a diet coke. they print everything else on there. Like the best selling Peanut guy in the finals gets his name on there. I remember when the Cup called in a bomb threat to the 98 olympics in Japan. You should be pissed about that, since you love japan. and I like tacos. But those are from Mexico. but there is mexicans in japan and VCRs are made in Mexico, after being invented by Asians, with the help of Aliens. I could make my own Stanely Cup, but it wouldnt have anyones name on it, but mine since I dont like anyone else named Justin. didnt lord Stanley Trade the Cup for 3 bags of pork rinds in 1899? What did Lord Stanley Do for the game of hockey? I really dont know. so this like 40 dollar cup he bought to impress some whores, was gave and became the torphy? and I spelled that wrong. but i dont care. " - Justin

this semester thus far i've been engaged in some kind of internal quest for spirituality, as i try to come to grips with my current level of spirituality, or lack there of. i am basically trying to define what i believe. it seems to me that some vague spirituality seems to be the average position to take when any issue of religiosity arises. i value my tolerant pluralism because the thing that turns me off so badly about most organized religions is the "we are all that is true" mentality.

just keep your mind and suck in the experience. and if it hurts, it's probably worth it. but if I was being completely honest, i was being like everyone else... shit-scared of the unknown.

anybody who knows my speech patterns knows that i'm a staunch supporter of 1st amendment. while the evils of modern american life are quite numerous none is worse than the restriction of free speech. the fcc decided today to impose stiff fines on any media outlet that allows the use of curse words... like FUCK, which is by no mere coincidence my favorite word. thank you fcc for deciding for me what is offensive. i am a firm believer of the "if you don't want to hear it, don't listen" philosophy. as the old conservative guard sits in washington telling me what i should find offensive, there is atleast the internet to live with. the last true bastion of free speech. it represents the nation, and world as a whole, giving us the ability to speak our minds and do so with whatever language we deem necessary. it provides all of us with a free forum for the transfer of ideas that has been denied by traditional media.

i'm going to get off my soap box now. be informed.

catie: are you on a computer at ur house?
me: no, i'm on the microwave
catie: har har har
me: thats one of the dumbest questions i've ever heard

*catie is not an idiot

all meat looks like south america.

last day of work, patchwork girl of oz fixed again, going to buy a used suit coat tomorrow for no reason, and my hair looks good.... today is looking up.

its funny, you work so hard, you do everything you can to get away from a place, and when you finally get your chance to leave, you find a reason to stay.

--------------------

"i cant stand that fucking jap, she wont stop talking about her new BMW."

"yea, but shes got nice tits"

I love any story that starts out "I was in Canada, by no fault of my own...."

my car was thinking bout killing me today.... both the front universal joints are shot to shit. stupid patcwork girl of oz! tomorrow is my last day of work for the break, then i rest saturday and early sunday, then back to school.

the gaijin among you or where is that guy from?

being that bryan, and later i will be going to japan, i figured i outta bone up on some important cultural issues, one of the main ones being japanese stereotypes about foreigners. i found out that most japanese people, especially young people, are surprised to learn that the majority of the people that they consider foreigners in their country are not the visible types, such as your run of the mill average, joe whiteguy, but others - two of the largest groups of "foreigners" in japan: chinese and korean people, of course. (who do japanese people think makes all the kimchi and yumcha they eat, anyways?) the english understanding of the word "foreigner" is just anybody who's a non-citizen and from a different country. but the understanding of the Japanese word "foreigner" often applies to anybody who is not ethnically "japanese", regardless of citizenship. many permanent residents in japan, such as 2nd, 3rd, and 4th generation chinese and korean children born in japan, are for all sakes and purposes, culturally and even linguistically japanese. most chinese and korean families who become citizens in japan are by law forced to adopt the japanese pronounciation of their names - for example, the chinese name 'lin' (forest) is changed to 'hayashi' (japanese pronounciation of the identical character). however, because of the household registration system in japan, it's easy to trace back any family's roots and discover their, *gasp* chinese-ness or korean-ness. The system dates back to the tokugawa era, where all japanese families were by law ordered to register their families with local buddhist temples - the original intent being to stomp out christianity.

the patchwork girl of oz continues to live up to her name, but she has her nice shoes back on...they take some attention away from the ugly.... but i love her.

i am feeling eerily calm today, i guess somedays i am a duck, the water rolls right off my back. work was work, i did stuff, and such.... great explanation of my job huh? and as i indicated above, i put my nice wheels and tires back on my car (ie the patchwork girl of oz, aka old sexy).

one of my cult favorite movies is Strange Days... its so bad that its good. its all about Tom Sizemore, he is awesome, sans the who domestic violence thing.... thats not exactly kosher with me. anyway, i love the final song from it... Fall into the Light by Lori Carson...

"It's in this moment, Hold on
When everything has come apart
It's in this moment
Right now
When it can come together

Raise your sights
What's there to lose?

Fall in the light

In all this trouble, Hold on
To the innocence with which you were born
There's so much struggle
Be strong
Find the faith you need to carry on

It's a long night
You're not alone

Fall in the light

Sweet air
It falls into place
Sun through the haze
Doesn't it feel a
Little like grace

It's in this moment, Hold on
When everything has come apart
It's in this moment
Right now
When everything - come together

Raise your soul
What's there to lose

Fall in the light"

i enjoy it...its sung in a slow quasi-depressing tone.... yet it makes me feel uber happy. all my life i've wanted to do something unequivocal...i think thats part of my desire to study history. so much is waiting to be discovered. who knows, maybe i am poised to make a startling revelation about Japan.... that would certainly not be some kind of meaningless or ambiguous achievement. i don't seek fame nor fortune, just to make an impact on the world. i would settle for making an impact on someone's life besides my family and my own. what one man can do another can do.

oh yeah... the 1st Infantry Division took over command of forces in Tikrit yesterday. thats Dave, he is in the "Triangle of Death" surrounding Saddam's home town now. they have only been on active duty in that area since Sunday, and already have four dead. i was sitting on the floor in my living room watching ABC News as the showed a clip from the "transfer of command" ceremony.... and i just started crying. Dave better come home.

i am gonna go mingle with the little people...thanks for reading.. hugs and squalor.

so, i'm wearing my green oswego hoodie at work, and one of the ladies there is talking about the leopard print shirt the got at some flea market (she is an uber-saver) and says, "this was only $4, and how much was that?" i reply... "it cost about $60" she thought for a minute then said, "and what does that tell you" (in a sorta snotty *i save more money than you* way)... i looked her in the eye and said "it tells me i look $56 better than you."

tom from work is doing well, but his horse died. thats sad, poor nancy the horse. his friend the state trooper also had a good story... over the weekend he pulled a guy over who was driving erradically. he said to the guy "are you driving drunk?"... the guy replied "of course i am, i'm too drunk to walk."

well, i feel like a truck full of death ran me over, and i have to get up tomorrow early for work.... ok i don't have to but i could use the money. i have a sore throat, my nose is stuffed, my ear hurts and now i have a fever. today was boring, very boring, i just layed around watching basketball all day and reading... then i chatted online for a while. talked to samantha and we decided to have some coffee when we get back up to oswego and chat for a while.... i talk to her enough it'd be nice to actually go out and do something with her for once. i'm gonna go read some more, the Jazz Age has me all wrapped up, night kids.

i write my lifetime in between the paper's lines

alot of thoughts are marinating right now... but the thought i contemplate today...

how can i grow to trust and love others when i have days that i simply do not trust or love myself?

hmm. trust and love issues.

new study says that 50% of Americans will get an STD by age 25..... you're welcome.

i'm sorry mom, dad, sis, nana, grampie, whoever else..but home just doesn't feel like home anymore. i know i'm miserably sick... but i am so lonely it hurts. this is what happens when you burn bridges with all but a few friends from High School.... that or not so much burn the bridges but let the bridges fall down. i still talk tina and dan here, thats about it. and tina is busy, too busy for me and thats ok because i feel akward around her since last fall and everything that happen.... don't fall for your friends. and dan...doesn't even own a phone... not just a cell phone, not a phone period. thats leaves me alone...inside my head. and when there is no one around, thats where i am... and somedays i don't like it there. i fell asleep on the couch last night, i probably could have come up here to my room and fallen asleep..but this isn't my bed...not anymore, my bed is at school. i love my family, but i just feel out of place. i met my sisters new boyfriend for the first time yesterday, he is an ok guy, i like him. he breaks chops and thats cool, but, this is my house (even if it doesn't feel like home anymore) so he had better what how far he takes it in my home. its not that he says anything that bothers me, if just a matter of respect. do not mouth off (even jokingly) to the brother of the girl who you are dating, especilly when he has a foot and atleast twenty pounds on you. as i like to joke, i wasn't a bouncer because of my boyish good looks. not that i'd do anything, i'm a teddy bear unelss you really get me going. Flyers won 2-1, so thats was a smile...albiet a minor one. i am looking forward to work because that will make the week go quickly.

i am going to go take some ether, err watch tv. or fall asleep or watch a movie or whatever, just as long as i don't have to think. maybe F. Scott Fitzgerald can tell me a wonderful tale of the Jazz Age. F. Scott, are you there?

i'm going to end up like Gatsby... i know it

----
Every street is... Dark and folding... Out mysteriously... Well that's the chance we take... To be... Always working... Reaching out for... A hand that we can't see... Everybody's got a hold on hope... It's the last thing that's holding me...

(_) I never have been drunk
(_) I never have smoked pot
(_) I never have kissed a member of the opposite sex
(X) I never have kissed a member of the same sex
(X) I never crashed a friend's car
(X) I never have been to Japan (yet)
(_) I never rode in a taxi
(X) I never had anal sex
(_) I never have been in love
(_) I never had sex
(_) I never have had sex in public
(_) I never have been dumped
(_) I never shoplifted
(X) I never have been fired
(_) I never have been in a fistfight
(X) I never had a threesome
(X) I never snuck out of my parents' house
(_) I never pissed on myself
(X) I never had sex with a member of the same sex
(X) I never have been arrested
(_) I never made out with a stranger
(_) I never stole something from my job
(X) I never celebrated New Year's in Times Square
(X) I never went on a blind date
(X) I never lied to a friend
(X) I never had a crush on a teacher
(X) I never celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans
(X) I never have been to Europe
(_) I never skipped school
(X) I never slept with a co-worker
(X) I never cut myself on purpose
(X) I never had sex at the office
(X) I've never been married
(X) I've never been divorced
(X) I never had sex with more than one person within the same week
(X) I never have posed nude
(X) I never got someone drunk just to have sex with them
(X) I never cheated on my significant other
(X) I never had sex with my boss
(X) I never have eaten snake meat
(X) I never jumped out of an airplane
(X) I have never been to a nudist event
(X) I have never been naked on the internet
(X) I have never had a foursome
(_) I have never played golf
(_) I have never played truth or dare
(X) I have never been to the Southern Hemisphere
(_) I have never caught my parents having sex.
(X) I have never been caught having sex by my grandparents.
(_) I have never been to a frat party.
(X) I have never had sex in an airplane.
(X) I have never made out in a tree.

i am overcome by naked ambition when it comes to wanting to be near you.

so i'm checking thru my friends' away messages and i came across one that perfectly expresses the way my feelings have been going.... "and ill become even more undignified than this..."

here is a little known fact, or set of facts about me.

i love the 1920s, i fucking adore them. if i had a time machine i'd be in the 1920s. the 1920s in NY/Chicago/Tokyo were insane, great times i bet.... yeah i said Tokyo. Japan had its own roaring 20s... moga and moba (modern girl and modern boy) were all over the place, Japan was such a traditional society that they even had male flappers..... and talk about women... flappers... thats where it was. yeah, i'm not a big party guy, nor do i drink much or smoke. its not that about them that appeal to me... its the "in your face, fuck you" attitude... what a turn on. i always end up falling for the girls that argue with me, i love being right... but crave to be defeated. i'm getting off track. i hold the 1920s in some romantic part of my heart.... what an exciting it must have been.... F. Scott Fitzgerald, who along with John Steinbeck, is one of my top 2 fav authors and paints such a vivid picture of the 1920s, albeit from such a negative point of view. As I turn the pages of The Great Gatsby i fall into Jay Gatsby and Nick and Daisy and Tom. I just started reading This Side of Paradise, Fitzgerald's first book. Its interesting... i see alot of myself in Amory Blaine. speaking of buying books... i cannot find Trimalchio for a decent price and i burn to read this book.... Trimalchio is an early draft of The Great Gatsby.

and i know my grammar is always horrible.... i don't care. we waste so much time worrying about spelling and grammar in this society...and the people who always complain are the ones who have something to hide.... my lack of grammatical skills is not a reflection upon my overall intelligence...and if you think it is then i really feel bad for you, lol.... as Fitzgerald says, "prefer geniality to grammar."

Posted by: Ryan / 3/12/2004 12:35:18 AM

"the reason you're not fighting bats is the ninjas are out there fuckin' killing them." - bry

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: Moderate
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: Low
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: High
Dependent: Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive: High

i got that from some link online...but i have just now closed it and forgot to copy it...it was some fake mental test.

"some days you feel like a nut, some days you don't"

FIRSTS.

First best friend: Brian Reed or Joey Yazzo, we all became friends at the same time.

First car: a Jeep Jeep Jeep

First real date: hmm, i dunno

First real kiss: hmm, i dunno

First break-up: ummm, Laura was pretty bad.

First screen name: Joad81

First self purchased album: NIN

First funeral: one of my great grandparents, who came first i cannot rememebr anymore

First pets: Babes the cat

First piercing/tattoo: eyebrow

First credit card: HSBC, still have it.

First true love: first real love, was definitly Chan'non.

First enemy: Fred Dean, that piece of shit white trash bastard... hope he likes his job at the gas station.

First big Vacation: we used to take trips all over the East Coast as a kid.

First Album you remember hearing in your house: oh jeez... I will always remember the Genesis album my folks have

LASTS.

Last cigarette: never

Last car ride: to Clay at 8:15PM

Last kiss: last fall, Tina... been dry since.

Last good cry: good full blown cry? when we found out Dave was going to Iraq.

Last library book checked out: the library and i are fighting, its says i have 10 over due books.

Last movie seen: Passion of the Christ

Last beverage drank: Diet Coke

Last food consumed: sushi, bad sushi, at dinner.

Last crush: same as the current one

Last phone call: my mom called sunday...but i've answered the phone since.

Last time showered: this morning (shocking)

Last shoes worn: still have my nice Italian shoes as i type

Last cd played: Hall and Oates Greatest Hits

Last item bought: This Side of Paradise by F. Scott Fitzgerald

Last annoyance: fucking biggie smalls next door.

Last disappointment: when am i not disappointed

Last time wanting to die: earlier.. don't bother asking, i won't tell you

Last time scolded: too long, i needed to be yelled at once in a while.

Last shirt worn: i am wearing 3 shirts right now, if you count my hoodie as a shirt.

Last website visited: mary's journal, where i stole this quiz.

Last song stuck in your head: Mekong, by the Refreshments

Last injury: my stomach hurt last night

Last haircut: couple weeks ago, i'll get another one at home from the cute pale chick.

Last time you were truley happy: thats a really good question...been far too long.

Window of opportunity? Everyone is working on the carpe diem theory -- trying to seize the day.

i saw shannon today, first time since saturday. she walks over smiles then just says "thanks for hitting on me ryan"... i was kinda hoping i hadn't and was just imagining it. nothing is wrong with her, nothing at all.... just my problem. my mind is other places, with other people. difficult forbidden fruit one might say. fuck it.

yesterday i didn't sleep much, and was in a semi-noticeable awful mood all day. so i assumed it was to do with the sleep, but today my mood came back this afternoon. i've become adept at hiding my unhappiness. my smiles feel hollow.

i will have my mario revenge jon.

this is what happens when men are allowed to use cameras unsupervised.



i made South Park Ryan.



i have seen laura and steph, but so far this semester i have not seen lisa or pauline... karley isn't in this picture... i miss those 3.

ok, i really should get back to finishing my History paper.